what did i expect was gonna happen right.welll i never imagined in a million years that he actually still wanted me. i was trying to hurt him sobi didnt hide it. does anyone have any advice at all.i know ive made a bad situation worse by leaving and cheating but i did tell him i was going to in my defense i didnt hide it and didnt try to.it was done in the most open and in your face way possible. bur at the same time i hve no clue how to walk away and live happily.this is a terrible feeling and im so tired of banging my head against the same wall over and over.sometimes i feel like a ruined woman.maybe i just dont know how to live. i feel like theres a way for my marriage to everything it should be.i just cant figure out how to get to that place. my husbands house burnt when he was 16 so my dad let him stay with us and weve never been apart since then. ive never been alone or lived by myself that kind of life is so foreign to me.it scares me. I posted this and i guess im just confused about what direction to go.as soon as we got back together he wanted to have another baby so of course it wasnt hard to talk me into it.when things are going well between us he could convince me to do almost anything. i wish i could say all this to him but it just leads to a fight. but im trying god knows i love him and i hate myself for cheating on him. any chance we had a good marriage i probably ruined but i have faith in him.i know he can be the man i need him to.maybe im kot the woman he needs. i feel like a whiny ass pathetic idiot.im just hurting myself and if this is the way things are going to be im not doing my husband any favors by allowing our relationship to be like this.talk about dysfunction. now were back together and i feel like the cycle is starting over.i will listen to his hatred fueled tantrums for as many years possible then when i absolutely cant take anymore i will do something completely dumb and wreckless.then and only then does my husband show me he loves me and is their for me and appreciates me. i cant live without my husband but i convinced my self he no longer wanted me and i left and did drugs and ended up in a hospital for 30 days. i didnt just cheat on him i went absolutely insane for a few days. sometimes i feel 100% responsible for cheating and then sometimes i wish my husband could see that his mental and emotional abuse played a big role in all of this. now i feel like if there was ever a chance for us to be happy well ive certainly ruined it now. i didnt want a divorce and the pain of listening to his demeaning and hateful comments were getting overwhelming and i just lost it.and it doesnt matter what i do he will never see it that way. i didnt know he still loved me when i cheated he told me for years that he was just with me for the kids and eventually i started to believe it i guess. i feel like my husband never wanted me until i was ready to leave.he used to talk down to me everyday and ive made that worse because of what i did now he really has some mean things to say. i dont regret one second of it.i know hes my best friend thays why i dont understand know matter how bad i thought things were why i cheated on him. ![]() ![]() Ive been with my husband for 15 years and im 30 so ya half my life ive been with him.
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